You can NEVER stop being an exchange student

9月13日2013

             You can NEVER stop being an exchange student.  You're questioned so often, pushed to retell something that is so painful to recall, but the thing that takes over your life at this point and time.  Everything you learned on Exchange comes back. It hurts so much constantly like a nagging in your brain or a huge hole in your heart.   You get your highs and your lows all the time.  You go to school, but immediately once it's over the nagging comes back, you cry because you can't think of anything to write about except for your exchange.  No one sees the hurt, no one feels the pain, the nagging and the longing to go back, except for you.  You can't figure out how you'll make it in a small town.  You long for old friends, people that understand you.  People you could joke around with, hug, laugh, cry, fight with but know that they would always be there for you because it was only you guys.  Coming home makes nothing easier, its harder, and worse than leaving.  But, no one knows that....except one person....you.

No matter how hard you try 
you will never stop being an exchange student,
It was embedded in our hearts and will never leave.

"Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it

I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it"

~Taylor Swift~ All too Well

Except I'm not trying to find my old self...I'm trying to figure out my new one.


I Love my exchange, I love being an exchange student, but coming home is hard, people need to realize it won't be easy, for all exchange students who come back.

Forgiveness is a gift

So not sure what to call this but I guess I'll end up talking about my trip to Hiroshima. (this will be shorten to a learning expirence)
So my trip to Hiroshima was interesting, definently a trip I won't forget.  Hiroshima is one of those places you always here about and want to go but not sure how you would handle the weight of being there.  Hiroshima is an amazing place, I traveled to the Floating shrine that you see in almost all the photos of Japan.   I also visited the Hiroshima A-Bomb site, museum, and more.  The first day which is when we visited the "floating shrine" was a ton of fun, a dream come true to be able to go there.  The second day was super difficult becuase the group we went with which included both, Osaka exchange students and Kobe exchange students, there happened to be a lot of exchange students from America.  We all felt a heavy burden and just overall overcast of our emotions going to the Atom bomb site, we all had tears in our eyes by the time we learned more about the site and all of the people who were killed.  I had a hard time, because in a way I felt wrong being there, I felt like I had directly placed the bomb.  When I got home and told my host family about these feelings they soon explained to me, that the many Japanese do not habor feelings against us, they said they have forgiven us for that, and just the emotion that over came me from that, the feeling of understanding why I am here in Japan to spread world peace, it was just incredible!

Forgetting

Today is Tuesday.  This week is my last "school week" in KobeYamate. Today I had my last Japanese class with みやけ先生.  Right now I want to cry.  It's almost over. This year, I've dreamed about all my life, is slowly coming to an end.  I've made incredible friends, and met so many people that I will never forget. I've had experiences, that will never live up to anything else in my life, and I know that I will slowly forget them all, all the fantasies about this year, the disappointment, the happiness, the sadness,the excitedness.  Everything, all those feelings, I soon will forget.  There is just one problem, I don't want to forget, I don't want to say good-bye, I don't want to hug my last hugs, I don't want to forget those moments.  Forget the moments when I had random people talk to me because I was foreign, falling asleep in class, being the 3rd fastest runner for a certain run, traveling all over Japan, the excitement, the moment of not knowing whats ahead but still accepting the future, the feeling of losing everything you had in your hands, the warm kiss of a stranger, making bad choices and learning from them.  All of those are special to me in some way, with some event in my exchange.  All of those feelings I will soon forget, I don't want to forget them, not at all,  I'm not read.  I wish they could last just a little bit longer.  The future is so unset for me that it is kind of scary, whether I'll still have feelings for certain people, friends,If I'll go to college, WHEN I'll go to college, What will I major in, Where I'll live, What I'll do, Who I'll marry, all of those questions all the way until, "When will I die?". All of these can change with one choice, starting right now.

Learning

I have learned a great many things on exchange, from; the language, the culture, how to accept change, and more.  Some of these are harder to learn than others.  One thing I have learned is how fast time goes by,  my time here is ticking by and by.  I now have 3 months left.  It seems impossible that I have really been here in Japan for this long.  I have had my bad days, I have had my amazing days, and of course the days that seem just normal.  I've made mistakes, I've done wrong, but most importantly I've learned from those mistakes.  My time is going by to fast for me, though everyday is only ever 24 hours it seem like less,my time is spent in school, hanging out with friends, and sleeping.  I have started the new school year and am finally adjusting, I can't explain how hard that was.  I'm in my 5 host family.  I have had an amazing experience living here in Japan and I know that I wont give up my dream of returning after high school, or after college.  I'm not done.  I've seen many things, and have lived as a foreigner in Japan would live.  Thank you to all of those who have helped me, hurt me, and just been there for me through all of my experiences here, I've become a stronger person through everything, I've become independent, and I have LEARNED.

A Tribute and Homesickness!

January 5, 2013

So, I don’t know how many remember the times when we were younger and would stay the night over at friends’ houses?!  Well having a younger sister I’ve seen them crying that they “want to go home”, they miss their mamas!
          Well for me that’s what homesickness is like but ten times worse!  I’ve cried myself to sleep for the second night.  I’m not sure I love my new host family, like at first its like a fairy tale then reality hits and its different!  I want to like them soo badly but for some reason I just don’t as much as my last host family!  I’ve been pretty homesick recently, and that doesn’t help with my family problem, and when I cry myself  to sleep, I whisper “I wish my mom was here, and telling me everything is okay, and hugging me!”  I miss her soo much!!   I knew one of the hardest parts of going abroad for me would be, being away from my m, she has been my role model and has been there for me!  We are so close and I want to say Thank you to her!! I really do say I wish my mom was here, like the girls at the sleepovers when they are scared.  The only difference is that they can see their moms that night if they go home or in the morning when they are picked up.  For me I have to wait until the end of July before I can run and jump in my moms’ arms!!  Although I can see her I Skype it is not the same as a physical hug.  I miss everyone so much but I miss my mom in particular.  I’m praying for things to work out with this family.  But in the meantime, I LOVE YOU MOM!! So much thanks you for always supporting me in everything I have ever done and will do, and for always believing in me.  Until that day that I can run up to you and hug you for real I will keep missing you! I can’t wait for that day in end of July!! Thank you everyone for your support!  So tonights post is a tribute to my Mom!! Love you!